“These aren’t shows for kids, you shouldn’t be watching this” was one of my mom’s favorite phrases when I was growing up. One of my fondest memories from childhood is sitting at the kitchen table while my mom and grandma cooked and I worked on homework, ate lunch, or helped them prepare the ingredients for whatever dish they were working on. At the time I didn’t understand why she’d vehemently insisted on shielding me from the same shows that she and my grandma (and my great-grandma Ofelia before them) seemed to enjoy so much. As an adult, though, I get it. I was far too young to comprehend the damage that the noxious stereotypes and the idealization of toxic relationships often portrayed in telenovelas could do to my developing brain and sense of self.
For decades, telenovelas have set the standard of what a desirable partner is supposed to be. The male leads in these shows (or, los galanes, as my mom calls them) have always been traditionally beautiful (read: white) and often wealthy by way of generational wealth (not their own work). They’re fairytale-like princes whose only purpose is to simultaneously save the damsel-in-distress female lead and cause her tremendous pain. The handsome men that many young (and not so young) Latinas crushed on were not only wealthy and spoiled, but also generally terrible – selfish, heartless, disloyal, spoiled, jealous, violent, and emotionally immature man-children who women (both on and off screen) were expected to swoon over and compete for.
TV often tries to paint a picture of a “perfect” world to help us escape our daily problems. So when most telenovelas are directed, written, or produced by men, it only makes sense that their ideal reality is one where men get a pass for the most vile behavior imaginable. Telenovelas are fantasy, the Latinx version of a fairy tale, but they also program us to expect less-than-stellar treatment from our romantic partners.
Whether my mom liked it or not, I had access to toxic telenovelas at home, at school, at friends’ houses… Because of that, growing up I dreamt of one day getting my own “galán.” I dreamt of being “rescued” and thought that the price I’d have to pay was dealing with a cheating, selfish, or even borderline abusive partner. But it would be worth it in the end, because I’d be “loved” and not alone.
I grew up watching Luis Fernando from María la del Barrio abandon María as she struggled with her mental health post-partum and years later nearly kill his own son in a jealous fit. I watched Sebastián Vallejo, from Café con Aroma de Mujer, spend all his money and resources trying to find his “one true love” while married to another woman. I watched Yo Soy Betty La Fea’s Armando Mendoza use Betty’s love of him to cover his shady business dealings while mocking her in secret. I watched Federico Cantú fake a wedding with Letizia on Muchachitas Como Tú to trick her into having sex with him. I watched Diego Bustamante let his father constantly disrespect his girlfriend in Rebelde. I watched Federico Fritzelwalden, Floricienta’s season one male star, lead Flor on while he was engaged to her (secret) half-sister Delfina.
And it isn’t just older telenovelas, like the ones from the ’90s and ‘00s I mentioned above, it’s also the modern ones, like Consuelo (which came out last year and is set to debut its new season later this year on Vix). Or even A Mar, the telenovela that premiered this month on Las Estrellas. At first glance, both of these seem to have a more modern take, showing women figuring it out with a guy around. Consuelo finds a way to keep her life and her family going after Carlos Juan abandons them, claiming he “needed more” out of life. Estrella from A Mar struggles to raise her daughter Azul on her own while her ex (and Azul’s father) Sergio leads a privileged life as a bachelor who views love as transactional. But the character tropes are still there. These shows portray Carlos Juan and Sergio as still somewhat desirable even though they behave badly and will likely impact, in one way or another, a whole new generation of Latinas.
The sad part is my mom was right (as moms tend to be in the long run) – all those toxic telenovelas I watched growing up left a mark on me. I did, in fact, find my own “galán” like the ones in the telenovelas I grew up loving. As a teenager and young adult, I accepted bad behavior in men – it wasn’t until my mid-20s that I started to realize how seeing these behaviors on TV had normalized them to me to a very scary and unhealthy point.
I was raised on shows that normalized violent behaviors in the name of “love,” so when my first college ex-situationship drunk-called me every night for almost two years after I ended things, I wrongly assumed his calls, threats, and emotional blackmail were a “normal” part of him processing his unrequited love for me. You know, the grand gestures the media loves to glamorize.
If female leads in toxic telenovelas spend the better part of these shows (and keep in mind, some of these shows are hundreds of episodes long!) trying to “win the men over,” surely I could put up with a few annoying calls! How I wish I could hug my younger self and explain that she was not responsible for a 25-year-old man’s inability to handle his emotions! I’d probably also take away the remote so she’d be stuck watching Hannah Montana instead of En Nombre del Amor.
If we demand better from telenovelas, we can change things for young (and not so young) Latinas. If the media we consume and allow to represent our community is the reflection of our reality (or an “idealized” version of it), then it is no coincidence that Latinx partnerships have high reported rates of intimate violence. Or that according to the CDC, about one in three Latinas will experience some sort of domestic violence during their lifetime.
Without going too deep into what love is – I’m 32 and still trying to figure this out fully – I can wholeheartedly say that toxic telenovelas ain’t it. So let’s demand that telenovelas change for the better. Our media needs to stop passing off abuse as love! In my fairytale version of reality, our Prince Charmings are emotionally intelligent men who are equal partners and show love through respect and communication. Once we normalize seeing that on TV, we’ll be a step closer to creating a better community for all.
